


Praying and Dreaming

by blackimpala



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bunker Fic, Comfort/Angst, Episode: s09e15 Thinman, M/M, Season 9 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 06:57:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1295686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackimpala/pseuds/blackimpala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean prays to Cas, telling him what's going on. Then, he dreams with Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Praying and Dreaming

Led Zeppelin sounds right now. The song is Nobody’s Fault but Mine and Dean sinks himself in the music that plays through his headphones. He has been listening to his music for a more than an hour, trying to forget about the crap that it’s going on between Sam and him. Yesterday they arrived from their last hunt that involved the Ghostfacers and Sam and Dean didn’t talk to each other since then. Sometimes music helps him to get away from all that crap; but sometimes, the lyrics describe his situation and how he feels and it only makes him feel more miserable. He wants to work things with Sam, but—

Dean stops the music and he takes off his headphones. He should go to bed right now; it is quite late in the night. He hasn’t slept properly in a couple of days; his mind doesn’t stop overthinking about all the mistakes he has done during these last months and how everything is his fault. He fucked everything up.

He rubs his face and he sits on the edge of the bed. He turns his face to see the empty space of his bed. It is a king size, and he always leaves the remaining space untouched, saving it for someone he hasn’t seen for a while. He won’t recognize it out loud, but he knows that deep down, that empty space in his bed that he leaves on purpose, it’s for Castiel.

Dean doesn’t know where the hell Cas is. He hasn’t talked with him since he walked away from that bridge, after kicking Gadreel out of Sam. They didn’t say a word to each other; they just looked at each other with sadness and pain. Dean wanted Cas to go with him, but he didn’t deserve it. He kicked Castiel out of the bunker without any explanation at all and Dean couldn’t be with him; he is poison and he would only hurt Castiel. Also, Sam needed Cas to take care of him while Dean was away.

Dean exhales sharply. He misses Castiel. He knows he isn’t carrying a mobile phone, so he can’t call him, and he knows that if he could, he would have called a long time ago. And if his wings weren’t burnt, he could zap and he would have visited Dean once in a while. But nothing of that it’s possible and Castiel is somewhere else and Dean is worried and he misses him.  
He buries his face in his hands and after a while, he rubs his face and then, he closes his eyes. The world feels too heavy in his shoulders and he needs to get rid of that weight for a while. Maybe he can’t listen to Cas, but he can pray to him and Cas will hear him.

“Cas.” Dean starts to say. Dean doesn’t like praying, it is a synonym of begging, but when it comes to pray to Cas, it means something different, it is a relief sometimes, a way to talk to him and to let him know that Dean cares. Dean clears his throat before he keeps praying. “I— I don’t know where you are. I hope you are okay.” He starts to move his hands in a nervous way. He doesn’t know why he does it, but it kind of calms him a little. “It’s been a while since we saw each other, or we talked.” He takes a deep breath and he makes a pause. He looks at the wall of his bedroom, hoping that maybe Cas will appear, though he knows that’s not possible. “Things between me and Sammy are a bit complicated. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even think he can forgive me and I kind of understand it.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose in an exhausted way and he closes his eyes strongly. He licks his dry lips before he keeps praying to Cas. “I fucked everything up and I don’t know what to do. I just— I don’t know man.” He feels his eyes are starting to smart. He can’t see them, but he knows they are red. He can feel they are starting to be glassy. He sighs in a deeply way. “Fuck I— I wish you were here, y’know? I wish that things were easier, that we could stay here in the bunker, all together. Remember how good it felt when you were here, before I kicked you out? Fuck, Cas, I was so fucking happy having you here with me.” He smiles in a nostalgic way. It felt too great to have Cas under the same roof as him, safe and happy. And then, Gadreel told him that Cas had to get out and Dean’s heart broke in million pieces. His smile fades away. “Sorry for everything Cas. For kicking you out, for screwing you up, for being such a crap friend to you lately. I’m poison. I’ll always be. I don’t deserve you. I’m the biggest crap in this world.” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t know why you—” Words are stuck in his throat. He isn’t sure if he should let them out. “Never mind Cas.” He makes a pause and a sigh follows it. “I hope you are fine. I hope that I’ll see you soon, even if I’m not worth. I miss you. Fuck I— I just hope that you are good. I’m gonna try to sleep now. Just be careful Cas.”

Dean closes his eyes tiredly, hoping that the burning sensation fades away. He rubs his face again and then, he takes off his boots and his jeans, being only with his underwear and his Henley t-shirt. He switches off the lamps and he gets inside his cold and lonely bed, hoping that he will fall asleep easily. He needs some urgent rest; he is too tired, especially emotionally and he needs to take a journey to dreamland and rest for a while from all his shit.

After rolling in bed for a couple of minutes, luckily, he falls asleep and thankfully, the dream isn’t a bad one. Lately, when he finally fell asleep, his dreams were nightmares or they were just suffocating dreams that instead of making him rest, they made him feel more tired. But tonight’s dream seems to be a nice one and Dean is glad about it.

In the dream, he is in his bedroom, but the light doesn’t come from the lamps, it comes from a window. The sunlight leaks thought it, lightening up the bedroom with relaxing colors, showing the really nice day that it is outside. And Dean feels really warm.

He is sitting on the bed, with his legs stretched on the mattress and his back leaning on the headboard. He is reading a book by Vonnegut. A calm dream like this one is what Dean was needing for a lot of days, even for a lot of weeks.

Suddenly, he hears someone walking. The door is opened and soon, Cas appears. He stops by the doorstep and he looks at Dean. His eyes are a bit glassy, he has a tiny sad smile drawn on his lips. Dean puts his book on the bedside table and he looks worried at Castiel; he has never seen his friend with glassy eyes before.

“Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean asks concerned. He is about to stand up, but when he is sitting on the border of the bed when Castiel sits down next to him.

“You don’t remember, don’t you?” Castiel says. Dean frowns confused, trying to understand what Cas is talking about. “You prayed to me Dean.” He starts to explain with his usual calmed and soft voice. “Now you are sleeping.”

Dean takes a few seconds to absorb the situation. He realizes Cas is telling the truth. Things in dreams are so volatile that it is a bit difficult to realize that you are in a dream. “So, this is a dream, then.” Dean says. Castiel nods. “And you aren’t a dream, you are you?”

Castiel smiles. “I am me.”

“But how—?”

Castiel takes a deep breath. “You told me you were going to sleep. I waited until you were dreaming to come and see you. I can still do it.”

Dean nods. He isn’t too sure why Cas decided to come and visit him during a dream. But it feels good to see his friend, even if it is in a dream. He looks down at his lap, feeling how Castiel looks at him with those too fucking blue eyes. Dean remains in silence and so does Castiel. After a while, Dean talks. “Why are you here?”

“Because I wanted to see you. I miss you too.” He simply answers. Dean makes a tiny smile. Cas missed him too. “I wanted to tell you that you aren’t poison Dean.” His words are honest and they are truthful, but Dean can’t believe him, he knows he is poison and he corrupts everyone who is close to him.

“I am poison.” Dean says breathy.

Castiel cups his face and Dean shocks and the unexpected touch. Castiel turns Dean’s face until their eyes meet. “You aren’t poison, Dean. You are a wonderful person. You made your mistakes, I know, but you are human, it is normal to make mistakes.”

“One thing is making mistakes and other very different is fucking everything up.” He complains. The burning sensation in his eyes comes back, lightening the green color of his iris, making his eyes look even more beautiful but really sad.

“I know what fucking things up is Dean. I did it too.” Castiel doesn’t take his eyes off Dean’s, as if he wanted to fall into them, to get lost in that forest. “I know how the guilt feels, how much heavy that weight is, Dean. I know it.” He takes a deep breath. “You aren’t poison Dean. You haven’t screwed me up. You have changed my life and I’m grateful for it.”

“Shut up Cas, you aren’t talking seriously.” Dean says with a grimace. He tries to get away from Castiel’s grip, but it is firm and Castiel keeps him in place.

“I’m talking seriously.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Yeah, sure.” He takes a deep breath and looks down. He isn’t in the mood to talk about any of that. He knows how truly poison and shit he is.

Castiel sighs. He is about to pull his hands away from Dean’s face, but instead, he kisses Dean sweetly, showing him with a kiss how much he means with his words, how much important Dean is for him. Dean opens his eyes widely with the kiss; he was definitely not expecting this. The kiss is unexpected and it shocks him, but it feels too good, so soon, Dean kisses Castiel back and he places his hands in the mess of Cas’ hair and he runs his fingers through it desperately and needy. He didn’t know how much he wanted this, how much he needed this until it happened. It has been buried deep down inside him, but he never let himself have it because he wasn’t worth for Cas.

Castiel pulls away from the kiss, but not too far. Dean can see he is blushed, and he knows he is it a bit too. “It was a good kiss.” Dean finally says.

The blush in Castiel’s cheeks intensifies and he makes a tiny smile. “It was it.” He says timidly. He looks at Dean’s eyes before he speaks again. “You aren’t poison Dean. Don’t forget it.”

Dean keeps thinking he is it, but he doesn’t want to argue right now. He feels too good with Cas this close. He doesn’t want to pull further; he wants to keep kissing him, as he should have done a long time ago. He wants that fallen angel too bad. He kisses Castiel again, feeling those warm and tender lips touching his, feeling how his heart beats faster, how his lungs are craving for air as seconds past and how something extremely warm and heartwarming blooms inside his chest.

But a cracking sound makes both of them pull away. Dean looks at everywhere, confused, trying to find the reason of that sound. “You are waking up.” Castiel simply explains. Dean turns his face to look at him directly. “I must go.”

“Wait.” Dean says needy. He really doesn’t want to wake up. He wants to stay here for longer, to have this with Cas just a little bit more. He hasn’t felt this good for a long, long time. So he kisses Castiel with passion, as if he was afraid that this was only a dream, that Cas isn’t Cas, as if he was only part of the dream, as if he wasn’t going to be able to kiss him again or as if he was going to forget everything that happened during the dream. And those thoughts scare him a lot. “Will I remember all of this?”

“You will.” His smile is beautiful and Dean wonders why Castiel doesn’t smile more often.

“When will I see you again Cas?”

“Next time you dream.”

“I meant in the real world.” He says sadly. Dreams are awesome, but he needs to see him in the real world, to take his pain away. To feel Cas in reality, to feel that it isn’t a fucking dream. Dean knows he doesn’t deserve any of this, but he wants to be selfish for the first time in his life.

“Soon, Dean.” He strokes Dean’s cheek and Dean closes his eyes. “I promise” He adds. 

When he opens then again, he is in his bedroom. Morning has come and he is all alone in his bed, feeling cold and alone. He closes his eyes and he touches his lips, feeling the ghost of Castiel’s lips against him, kissing him.

Dean takes a deep breath and he says with a sad but hopeful voice. “Soon.”


End file.
